Our Life could be full of music...

... A continuous background score to the story of our lives together.

A lyrical alarm to awaken us from a night spent wrapped in the cover of our limbs; a peppy number that eggs us on to get through the day, like breakfast for our souls.

Our favourite songs will play on the car stereo as we drive to work. And, the one belting out as you drop me off with a kiss &; a wave will play in my head all day long as I try to finish work knowing you'll be back soon.

Photo Courtesy: Kumar Jhuremalani

A melancholy tune for the times we're sad. An angry one for the times we fight; a soft serenade as we kiss and make-up; and, for all the moments in between, a blissful melody.

Even in our silence, music will speak to us.

Journey

I woke up today morning with a strange longing for the quiet days I spent in the scenic and oddly spiritual hills of McLeodganj. And, then I recounted the evening I was leaving the little place for the big bustling Delhi, the restless night I spent on the bus, and the few lines I penned in a moment of epiphany, that lay untouched and forgotten in a memo on my phone...

The view from the Pink House in McLeodganj

They both sat in silence

Breathing the same air

Staring into the same space

Letting the same world pass them by

The same thoughts toying with their minds

Outwardly calm but tossing and turning within

The same troubles troubling them...

Unspoken, unheard,

Both struggling to make peace

Discussion is futile as expression is hard to find

The questions are the same

But both seek answers in different places

The search for truth may lead them down separate roads

But now united in silence

They travel together down the path of introspection

Unspoken Escape

I can't use clichés. Not when I'm spilling unspoken thoughts and feelings. 

So, no, I won't tell you that you complete me. You don't. My life's fuller and more complicated than that. You're not the only missing piece. You may not even be a piece in my jigsaw. 

I won't even tell you that I love the person I am when I'm with you. Because, sometimes, even you may hate the person I become when I’m with you. You can bring out the worst in me just as easily as you bring out the best. 

I won't tell you that you get me and understand me the best. There are other people who have known me longer and know me better. You know only one side of me and my other facets could leave you flummoxed. But discovery and surprise is what will make our journey fun, right? 

I won't use songs to describe how I feel. I won't say you make me feel like a teenage dream, though, you really do. Or, that I love you like a love song, though, I probably do! I won't say those words because those words aren't mine and they weren't written for you. 

I'd tell you instead that you have taken up permanent residence in my head! Signs start appearing in the mundane - I spot your name everywhere. And, I tell myself that it's a nudge from the universe, trying to subtly tell me that I was meant to find you & end up with you around no matter which road I take. Everything reminds me of you - innocuous signboards, songs you may like, food that I know you hate, dialogues on sitcoms that you'd appreciate, everyday stuff I could recount to you, earning a few laughs. 

Ah, the sound of your laughter - it fills me with so much satisfaction knowing that I have the power to produce those hearty, genuine, real reactions from you!

And, the music! Oh, the music! I can't listen to a song now without thinking about you. It's either a song you've introduced to me or one that you told me you hate, the one from that band whose history you recited to me when you were drunk or that one whose lyrics I passionately deciphered for you, something you sang to me once or those in which I see my myriad feelings for you reflected or something we listened together, unspeaking, unthinking, lost but together.

You're not my "best friend", not even close! I can't talk to you about everything. Not yet, anyway. But, in my unbiased, unclouded judgment, I think you could be that person. I love talking to you - our conversations are an exciting rollercoaster. You can drive me up the wall & then have me rolling on the floor with laughter within seconds.

I love how I don't want to be a better person around you; a different person. How I don't have to try. Because I know you take me with all the good, the bad & the ugly. You take the weird, the idiosyncratic, the absurd & the bat-shit crazy stuff and come back with some of your own crap in equal measure! And, we each put up with the other. And, when we can't take it anymore, I know I can count on us having one of our can’t-remember-why-we're-arguing-at-all fights.

I know I'd like to give you a chance. Give US a chance. Really, I would. 

I'm not scared of you; of getting close to you; of gradually opening my heart and head to the risk of you breaking me, hurting me.

So, you see, I have the words; all the exact words. So, when everyone around me advices me to "just tell him" how I feel - it isn't because I don’t know how. I know the words. I just don't know if you're worth my words. If despite all this, I'll get more than stunned silence in return from you. 

I'm tired of the signs I’m getting from the universe. Why don't YOU give me a sign? Why won't you just go on and turn that faucet that will allow my words to flow, to escape. Go on, take the first step.

Shadows

Shuttling through

darkness

no light at the end of this tunnel

yet

hurtling past destinations

blurred images of the past

Destined to be left behind

Memories at Goa's Sinquerim beach

Unknown faces stare out

and when the train slows

they come knocking at the window

a flicker of recognition dawns

looking into their eyes,

reflections of the persons they were once

shadows of old friends

Familiar places

stop by her door

garishly lit

meant to be inviting

but only serving to highlight

the messy roads

littered with rags of ragged memories

Surrendering to

the warm web of words

from the unturned page of the novel

and woven from strains

of a melancholy song

tired of singing its happy tune

over and over again

Not alone in her journey

but surely lonely

distracted by a fancy story telling

lost in the same singular song

creating a cocoon

a safe soundless haven

body heading home

mind escaping to a fantasy

Tomorrow is different

waking up from an unreal reality

to life

that rarely travels in a line

she will try to move off the beaten track

but she will soon make her way back

on life's circular track

this time she may wave back at the staring faces in the window

Second Wish Upon A Star

Golden is the colour of the night bathed in lights

Of the dark tarmac shining under headlights

Golden is the dream I dream of you in the darkest of nights

Of your smooth words whispered in my ears before far "Goodnights"

Photo Courtesy: Kumar Jhuremalani

Golden is the last intoxicating, swirling sip on my fingertip

Golden the warmth that spreads to every end, every tip

Golden, the liquid luck that gives my heart fillip

Golden, even the white lies that spill from your lip

Golden is the carpet in which I curl my toes

Golden the courage that fills me as I reach up to you on tiptoes

Golden butterflies aflutter within me as you bend low

Golden the soulful strains of a song so slow

Golden the starlight from the star I wished upon

Golden the face of the curious moon trying to catch on

Golden the binds of the curtain that unfurl

Keeping our secret safe.

Wish upon a star

The intoxicating smell of cigarettes
Electric sounds of your fingers against the guitar
Looking into the glass in my hands
The swirling liquid like golden lights on a dark night
Words & giggles, laughter and silliness
This isn't me, not what I do
Good Sense, to thee I bid adieu
Take another sip to wash away any regrets

Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight
Looking up at the sky wistfully
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Oh please, make my wish come true tonight
Light breeze, curtain aflutter
I gaze out the window, singing to myself
Sometimes wishes made upon a star
Do see the light of day

Dream or drunken mistake or worse, neither
Now, awake and aware, befriending Nonchalance
Unwinding, like a stuck cassette,
Dim and hazy, that night I cannot forget
Detailed and clear – the memory
I just don’t want to forget
But that's all it'll remain
It'll be a secret, between Silence and I